Posted on October 9, 2012 by Matty Stone
Well, friends, it’s that time again. Here’s The Gospel Part IV. I put Gospels II, and III and a link to the first one below because I love you all so very much.
This young man’s ability to snore his way undisturbed though a busy evening commute was astounding, until I poured piping hot coffee on his crotch.
Blocking the passage way with your Burning Man luggage and ugly clown pants will likely earn you an unwanted “decompression” from Desert-Life, especially on a late-night BART to the murder capital of California.
Edith Humphrey, age 53, confronts her potentially life-endangering pollen allergy with reckless abandon on the 2:17 to Fremont.
Text reads: “Mom, I don’t think this is Tatooine, please beam me back. These are my co-ordinates.”
“OMG! Mom, ur the worst! Forget it. I’m gonna just take the train.”
“Actually, Mr. BART Po-lice-man, I don’t think my feet ARE on the seat.”
“Sign? I didn’t see any sign.”
Ever wonder what lurks behind those dreadful poster ads? It’s Cyber-technology, and much like me, it’s watching you misbehave on BART. My favorite part is the guy who thinks I’m just randomly taking a photo of him. Don’t flatter yourself, dude. Besides, this blog is read in 76 countries, and that disapproving scowl could go viral.
The Gospel According To BART….Part III
Picture if you will, a series of tunnels and tracks that run through the Bay Area, both underground and above it. A place where not everything is what it seems. A place known as…..
Who knows what creatures you might see lurking out the window, tearing at the engine of the train.
When I’m having a rough morning after a late night fight with my wife, I love to bow my head, inhale the “fresh scent” of a BART seat and cry. It smells like dirty hair and things I regret saying while I was drunk.
These ads are everywhere. I care about them enough to make fun of their “awesomer” ability to make up words, but not enough to actually look up the website to see what the bloody hell it’s all about. WORST BART AD EVER!
It’s late, and on the BART platform sits proof that (somewhere) a Chippendale’s dancer is out of uniform.
If “fragile” means, “The suitcase that will crush all other suitcases when coming into sight at baggage claim,” then, yes, this suitcase is indeed “fragile.”
“My bike!!!!!!”……………BART would like to remind cyclists that it is not responsible for bikes parked on BART property.
“I can’t believe this jerk just put his feet up on my seat penning in me in like this. I’m going to tell him off any second now…..I’m just going to give this rude piece of shit a piece of my mind…..Oh, boy he’s going to feel my wrath….I’m just gonna……I’m ……Meh, maybe I’ll just stare wanly into an open space wishing that I had the nerve to say something.”
At least this guy had the sense to keep his feet off the seat.
Get me Bert Goldstein in Hollywood and find out why he hasn’t got me an acting gig in 5 months.
I said, “Ma’am, I don’t think this train goes to Paddington station.” She looked at me like I’m crazy and shuffled away from me. Yeah, like I’m the crazy one.
Always pay attention to the signs on the platform; they often contain information that must be obeyed.
The Gospel According To BART ….Part II
BART continues to be a source of amusement for the pic-and-caption team at The Bay Area Brit. I hope that you feel the same way.
The BART station agent’s financial woes are aired for everyone to see. However, if BART paid him more money maybe he would stay in his little booth the whole shift like he’s supposed to.
I keep seeing these ads on the BART platforms everywhere. I know when I’m scraping together the $2.75 to take BART in the morning, I often think to myself: “I should just donate my luxury yacht to some page 3 pin-up dressed like Donald Duck.” Really?
Speaking of ads: Why did the people that paid for the Judgment Day Warning posters pay to have their ads run through the end of July? Silly rapture-wanters.
This young man takes a heroin nap during the evening commute to San Francisco. He will wake up three hours later in Richmond and will have somehow lost his wallet, his ID, his sunglasses, and his Nikes.
I can’t tell you how many times I’ve seen this happen, people.
A Female commuter regrets her decision to partake in “Take A Convict To Work Day” when he tells her that he’s never really known true love before…until now.
You know I just couldn’t resist.
Here’s that link to the first Gospel.
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Posted on April 11, 2012 by Matty Stone
Picture if you will, a series of tunnels and tracks that run through the Bay Area, both underground and above it. A place where not everything is what it seems. A place known as…..
Who knows what creatures you might see lurking out the window, tearing at the engine of the train.
When I’m having a rough morning after a late night fight with my wife, I love to bow my head, inhale the “fresh scent” of a BART seat and cry. It smells like dirty hair and things I regret saying while I was drunk.
These ads are everywhere. I care about them enough to make fun of their “awesomer” ability to make up words, but not enough to actually look up the website to see what the bloody hell it’s all about. WORST BART AD EVER!
It’s late, and on the BART platform sits proof that (somewhere) a Chippendale’s dancer is out of uniform.
If “fragile” means, “The suitcase that will crush all other suitcases when coming into sight at baggage claim,” then, yes, this suitcase is indeed “fragile.”
“My bike!!!!!!”……………BART would like to remind cyclists that it is not responsible for bikes parked on BART property.
“I can’t believe this jerk just put his feet up on my seat penning in me in like this. I’m going to tell him off any second now…..I’m just going to give this rude piece of shit a piece of my mind…..Oh, boy he’s going to feel my wrath….I’m just gonna……I’m ……Meh, maybe I’ll just stare wanly into an open space wishing that I had the nerve to say something.”
At least this guy had the sense to keep his feet off the seat.
Get me Bert Goldstein in Hollywood and find out why he hasn’t got me an acting gig in 5 months.
I said, “Ma’am, I don’t think this train goes to Paddington station.” She looked at me like I’m crazy and shuffled away from me. Yeah, like I’m the crazy one.
Always pay attention to the signs on the platform; they often contain information that must be obeyed.
Thanks for visiting. You can find part one here: https://thebayareabrit.com/2011/03/07/the-gospel-according-to-bart/
or part two here: https://thebayareabrit.com/2011/07/25/the-gospel-according-to-bart-part-ii/
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Posted on July 25, 2011 by Matty Stone
BART continues to be a source of amusement for the pic-and-caption team at The Bay Area Brit. I hope that you feel the same way.
The BART station agent’s financial woes are aired for everyone to see. However, if BART paid him more money maybe he would stay in his little booth the whole shift like he’s supposed to.
I keep seeing these ads on the BART platforms everywhere. I know when I’m scraping together the $2.75 to take BART in the morning, I often think to myself: “I should just donate my luxury yacht to some page 3 pin-up dressed like Donald Duck.” Really?
Speaking of ads: Why did the people that paid for the Judgment Day Warning posters pay to have their ads run through the end of July? Silly rapture-wanters.
This young man takes a heroin nap during the evening commute to San Francisco. He will wake up three hours later in Richmond and will have somehow lost his wallet, his ID, his sunglasses, and his Nikes.
I can’t tell you how many times I’ve seen this happen, people.
A Female commuter regrets her decision to partake in “Take A Convict To Work Day” when he tells her that he’s never really known true love before…until now.
You know I just couldn’t resist
If you missed the first one, click below, and don’t be shy with a comment if you liked it, hated it, or are in one of the pictures and want your silly face blurred.
https://thebayareabrit.com/2011/03/07/the-gospel-according-to-bart/
Filed under: Uncategorized | Tagged: Bay Area Brit, Funny blog about BART, Funny British blog, Matty Stone, The Bay Area Brit, The Gospel According To BART | 4 Comments »
Posted on March 7, 2011 by Matty Stone
For those not familiar with BART, it is the train system that links San Francisco to Oakland and to other more forgettable places in the Bay Area. This is what it’s like:
Whatever you do with your graffiti, don’t smoke, drink, or eat it while on BART
Also known as Commandment #6 as told in “The Gospel According To BART.”
However, federal law does NOT require that the seats actually be clean enough to sit on.
“Hey, hippy, why does no one want to sit anywhere near you? Are you the reason that the seats on BART are dirty?”
Sometimes while I’m on BART I play, “Hey, Pal, Are You Dead Or Just Sleeping?”
BART isn’t just for homeless people trying to stay out of the rain. Celebrity impersonator sightings are frequent. Depending on which side of the train this John Goodman wannabe sits, there’s a good chance that the train will be leaning to that side.
Clearly this couple thought that they were on The Orient Express. I love this guy’s cane.
This from the BART website: We are asking you to help keep BART safe for everyone by reporting unattended packages or suspicious behavior. What do we mean by suspicious behavior? Here are some examples: 1) Acting nervous, sweating inappropriately. 2) Taking pictures or videotaping in areas of no interest to the general public. 3) Attempting to get into an area that is off limits. 4) Leaving a package, backpack or briefcase and hurrying away from the area………………..The Bay Area Brit: guilty as charged…………Now if you don’t mind, I’m going to eat and drink and maybe smoke some graffiti.
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The Bay Area Brit 