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The World Wide Wank

       Back in porn’s golden age (which for the sake of argument we’ll call the 1970s and 80s) if you were pretty good looking, had a decent body, and were able to have (or realistically fake) at least five orgasms a day you could be a porn star. Providing you didn’t catch a disease, or die from the drugs, you could have had a career for as long as ten-to-fifteen years in the industry. That is of course until your body parts inevitably drooped and sagged and then you’d watch enviously off-camera as the new kid on the block took over your porno pool party.

  

             Then along came the Internet. In the last few years, cyberspace has become saturated with porn. There are so many sites dedicated to the bizarre and obscure, it’s difficult to know what really defines porn any more. The age-old question of “Is it art or is it pornography?” has been seduced and abandoned. Porn has gone from “the absurd” to the “OMFG WTF?”
Thanks to industry standard plastic surgeries, the ever-increasing accessibility to porn via the Internet, and the growing diversity in our generations’ sexual quirkiness, anyone can become a Porn Star.

        And that means you!

         Yes, regardless of your age, size, or ethnicity you too could have a career in Internet Pornography. Have you ever heard anyone say this: “My grandmother was a porn star in the Seventies.” You probably haven’t, but it’s more than likely that someone, somewhere had grandparents who starred in classic movies from “Porn’s Golden Age.”
But now, thanks to websites like “www.MatureGrammies.com,” your grandson can boast to his friends, “My grandma is a porn star and she is in her seventies.”

        British and want to show off your hard drive? Not a problem, go to “www.NiceAccentShameAboutTheTeeth.com.”

        Vertically challenged? Well you guessed it; even littler people than you are getting into the action at “www.HornyLittlePeople.com” Watch out for the puppy, unless you’re into that, then you should cock your leg and whiz all over “www.HornyLi’lPups.com.”

         Exhibitionist? Well thanks to the digital age, you can get your naked-on in your local supermarket as unsuspecting shoppers buy their groceries in the next aisle over, at “www.SupermarketAisleSex.com.”
“Security, we’ve got a lurker in the Produce Department.”

          Has your porn career been temporarily sidelined by a pregnancy? Then fear not, at “www.EightMonthsIn.com” you too can keep making films until your water breaks…Uh-oh, clean up on Aisle 3.

       What about the disabled? Don’t they want to get in on the act? Who doesn’t love a little hot “wheel-on-chair” action? Hobble or wheel yourself over to “www.MyBlueErogenousParkingSpot.com.” It’s a great place to meet different sex partners of every kind of disability. Amputee? No problem, even the short-of-limb are getting in on the act at “www.DoingItOnAllThrees.com.”

         Are you a man trapped inside a woman’s body that thinks it’s a llama? Perhaps a llama that feels the need to stomp on young men’s testicles? Then we have the site for you, at “www.AngryTransgenderLlamas.com.” Saddle up and go there now!

       If you’re into watching mice having sex with multiple partners of the mice-like variety dressed as 11th Century Roman emperors. Be sure to check out those naughty little cheese-munchers at “www.LittleRodentCaligulas.com.”

        Have a desire to get your business on with inanimate objects? Oh yeah, if you know how to serve up a salacious salad or like to punch fruit with your private parts. Then check out “www.PhallicFruitPhuckers.com.”

      Ladies, ever make it with your car’s gearbox? Don’t forget to use your handbrake at “www.ICannotBelieveI’mHavingSexWithMyCar.com.”

          Yes if you’ve got a bizarre sexual kink there are hundreds of thousands of websites. Do you get turned on watching the rain get the pavement all wet? Like watching trees blowing up against each other in gale force winds? Do you drool when branches shed their leaves while swaying their inhibitions in the breeze? Then check out all the action on http://www.TheWeatherChannel.com.

        Oh, wait.

Okay, as you were, chaps.

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One Response

  1. Gawd….I need a cigarette after that.

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