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Heeeeeere’s Jesus!

     It’s Easter Sunday!!! “Rise and shine, Jesus. It’s time to make a bunch of people feel really dumb for crucifying you.”

      However, if Jesus Christ really came back today, how long do you think it would take for us (as a society) before we crucified him all over again?

     I mean there are a whole lot of people in this country waiting for Jesus to return. If he did come back, would he use the name Jesus Christ? Or would he take the smart route and go by another name? If he claimed to be the son of God, how long would it be before Christians in this country started yelling “Blasphemy!”

         The Bay Area Brit doesn’t believe the man would stand a chance against the Christians.

           “Show us a miracle!” they’d cry. “Prove you are who you say!”

          And Jesus would be all, “I did all that nonsense last time around. You really want to see a miracle?”

        And the Christians would be like “Yeah, of course. How do we know that you’re telling the truth otherwise?”

        And Jesus would be all, “I’m the son of God. I mean seriously, people, I died for you lot and now you’re doubting me all over again. Talk about a deja vu.”

        And the Christians would cry, “But you’re not even white! Jesus was white!”

       And Jesus would be all, “How could I be white? I was born in the bloody Middle-East, you morons.”

       And the Christians would be all, “Did he just call us morons? Well this is awkward.”

       And Jesus would be like, “Tell me about it. I thought you–especially you rich, Southern churchy-types–would be happy to see me.”

       And the Christians would say, “Well we were, but we thought you’d be whiter…and well, you called us morons, and well, we don’t believe you.”

        And Jesus would be all like, “What about FAITH?”

        And the Christians would be all like, “Well we had some, but it went away. Things have been really rough since you left. Times have changed.”

         And Jesus would be all, “How can it be any worse than it was? Last time I was here there were lepers everywhere. Romans were running the shop like a fascist state, and talk about the plagues and whatnot. Remember all that from your Bible?”

      “Yeah, I mean we remember that. Look, listen, we were kind of scaring our children to be good on this whole ‘fear of going to hell on judgment day’ thing thinking that you weren’t really going to come back. I mean why would you? But if you are back, then we’re all in a lot of trouble. You see we prayed a lot, and we read the Bible, and we preached, but we didn’t practice what we, or even you, preached.”

        “What are you saying? Have you not been taking care of all of God’s children?”

        “Er, in a word, no. There’s a lot of really poor people in this country and we’ve kind of just ignored them and been looking out for ourselves. You know, taking care of ‘number one.’ Being ‘number one’ is kind of a big deal in this country. We know that you taught us that we are all created equal, but we kind of think that’s bullshit; pardon our language. We’ve got things kind of cushy and we don’t want to give anything up so that poor people have something.”

        “Well that’s not very Christian of you is it?”

         “Yeah, so…sorry, we’re going to have to crucify you again. You’re more important to us dead than alive. And we don’t need you coming back and making us all feel guilty because we’re a bunch of hypocrites.”


       This year, Easter Sunday was April 4th, the anniversary of the death of the Reverend Martin Luther King. I leave you with the final paragraph of Dr. King’s final speech, which he gave the night before he was murdered.

      “Well, I don’t know what will happen now. We’ve got some difficult days ahead. But it doesn’t matter with me now. Because I’ve been to the mountaintop. And I don’t mind. Like anybody, I would like to live a long life. Longevity has its place. But I’m not concerned about that now. I just want to do God’s will. And He’s allowed me to go up to the mountain. And I’ve looked over. And I’ve seen the promised land. I may not get there with you. But I want you to know tonight, that we, as a people, will get to the promised land. And I’m happy, tonight. I’m not worried about anything. I’m not fearing any man. Mine eyes have seen the glory of the coming of the Lord.”

© copyright Matty Stone 2010

3 Responses

  1. love it.

  2. Someone’s been eating their Wheaties….

  3. Amen, brother! Like anything else, when the movement becomes the establishment…its all over. Corruption within the movement is absolute. As an agnostic(at best) I believe Jesus had a good idea, but unfortunately the idea became doctrine, and the spirit of that “idea” went down in flames. God should have made his son immortal, allow him to marry, and have children. Maybe his idea would have evolved with his offspring, but I think that very spirit would have remained. Instead, we got 2012 nut jobs, sharpening their spears. “Praise the Lord, pass the ammunition!”

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