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And The Oscar Goes To…David Beckham For “Marley And Me 3.”

      Former Manchester United darling David Beckham returned to Manchester yesterday wearing the colors of AC Milan: their opponents in the Champions League. If you don’t know who David Beckham is, then you probably aren’t aware that there is going to be this “thing” called the World Cup, which lasts for a month in the middle of 2010. It will be watched on telly by more people all over the world than any other sporting event in the history of the world-ever. I’m just sayin’.

        I’m not having a go at you if you’ve never heard of David Beckham. It just means that you probably don’t pay much attention to what’s going on in the news, sports, or popular culture. People who live in the wilderness writing the next great American novel or those who cannot read or are deficient in vision, hearing, or otherwise impaired at all could also be forgiven for not knowing who he is. All of this I’m fine with.

          The rest of us know Beckham by virtue of his talent on a football (soccer) pitch, his marriage to former Spice Girl Victoria (Posh), his good looks, his ever-changing hairdo, his tattoos, his tabloid nicknames: “Golden Balls” or “Spice Boy,” or his friendship with Tom Cruise, or the fact that his name was in the title of a successful independent movie about female soccer players.

          I know who he is because for years I rooted AGAINST him when he played for Manchester United and rooted FOR him when he put on the England shirt. It was my first Beckham related conflict. My inner conflict regarding David Beckham is something that has haunted my past, as it haunts my present, and no doubt, somehow, my future.

             Why are you conflicted now? You may ask. Well, my second conflict arose when Beckham began playing in the U.S. because he plays for the Bay Area’s arch-rivals in, well pretty much everything: Los Angeles. However, I’m happy that Beckham is drawing attention to the sport I call “football” in America, because it is a wonderful game and needs players of his ability and stature to come and play in the soccer league for it to improve. Only by raising the level of the MLS will this country’s top footballers choose to play here rather than pack their boots and shin guards and play in the more established leagues of the World: England, Spain, Germany, and Italy.

            In his first few weeks in Los Angeles, he tried hard to impress his new employers, who were paying him exorbitantly. But it was at the expense of performing properly for his home country, my home country—England. Beckham played the full 90 minutes of two games on different sides of the Atlantic in the space of 36 hours (on a bum ankle.)
In the last few minutes of both games, Beckham was skipping and hobbling around on his ankle as if the cortisone painkilling injection that he may, or may not have had, wore off after 85 minutes, which of course was at least 5 minutes shy of how long it should have lasted.

If he had been a horse he’d have been sent to the glue factory.

           My future conflicted feelings over David Beckham are ones I can only imagine. The media say he’s being groomed for Hollywood. I can only assume that these same people were grooming him before they heard him speak. Beckham is a good footballer and a handsome and wealthy man, but in interviews he comes across as a slightly inarticulate, shy eight year-old boy. Hollywood has tried to make stars of lesser talents though. Maybe if they put him in a film where the lead character was a dog, or Scarlett Johansson, he might do okay. I mean, who doesn’t love ScarJo, right? I know I do. Perhaps Jude Law and Hugh Grant’s time is done. It’s time for a new good-looking Brit for Hollywood to swoon for. Oh, David, I probably won’t go to see any of your films. Unless of course there is a steamy love scene with Scarlett Johansson, and therein lies another possible future conflict.

Beckham and co-stars rehearse for “Marley and Me 3”

© Copyright Matty Stone 2010

10 Responses

  1. What’s World Cup? Just kidding…Allez Les Bleus! I wish Zidane was still playing…and not headbutting.

  2. I don’t know. I think a lot of people who do know Beckham and watch football are probably impaired as well. At least while they watching the match down the pub ; ^ )

    I’m just sayin’…

  3. I’d watch Beckham…he could be the next action hero. Imagine a remake of “Bloodsport” starring David Beckham, yeah that’s what I’m talking about. He can’t possibly be worse than Van Dame…

    • You know what, Mr. Rolando Von Action-Star, I think you’re right, Beckham would be awesome as a high-kicking movie-star. Hmm, I guess one of us should start writing the Bloodsport remake.

  4. very funny, thank you for making me burst out loud with laughter!
    looking forward to the next blog.

    • Christine, thanks for commenting on the blawwwg. Please don’t be shy about sharing the site with your friends and other “like-minded” individuals. In these early stages of this thing, I really appreciate all the support I can get. So thanks.
      Matty…er, I mean…The Bay Area Brit.

  5. “If he had been a horse he’d have been sent to the glue factory”? And the PICTURES? Matty, this one almost has me peeing my pants.

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