What made me fall in love with America? I’ll tell you. It was the ice cream.
When I was a kid I remember only three ice cream flavours. Please note the letter “u” in the word “flavors.” This indicates to you, the reader, that my childhood was spent in the land of limited ice cream flavor choice: England. The options were Vanilla, Chocolate, and Strawberry. There was however a fourth flavor. It was the one that combined all three varieties in separate layers like an immense, frozen Pousse Cafe. This was called Neapolitan, and if accidentally left out out of the freezer could quickly degenerate into a messy gray slop. Thus creating the least appetizing ice cream (for its time).
Now I ask you: If the British ice cream manufacturers were smart enough to figure out how to combine three separate ice creams and form it into one layered block, why didn’t they think to use other flavors of fruit, nuts, or spices? I mean if you use strawberry, how much of a stretch is it to think, “What about raspberry?” But no, the Brits were stuck with three choices–not including the gray slop combo platter.
Then, one day it happened. 
“New, all the way from America. It’s Baskin Robbins 31 Flavors.”–insert angelic chorus here.
We were amazed. But it had to be a typo. How could ice cream choice suddenly go from 3 flavors to 31? It was as if America was like this land from the future.
Where was the gradual increase? Where was the, “You’re never gonna believe this, but we’ve now got three times more flavors!!!! Nine, we’ve got nine whole original flavors!!! Ten if you include the gray slop.”
It was like, “In your face, Redcoats. Look what we can do without your pompous arses holding us back!”
And we were thinking, those bloody Americans have been licking 28 more varieties of ice cream than us all this time? (27 if you include the gray slop.) What a load of bollocks!
English kids would order a milkshake in a burger restaurant, and it would just be milk mixed with a flavored, dried powder. We didn’t mind; we didn’t know any better.
I had my first real shake, made with ice cream, in California, and it was magical. I fell in love.
Things have gotten strangely out of control in the world of ice cream in the last few years though. Just because there is an endless menu palatte doesn’t mean you have to use every ingredient and turn it into a frozen creamy dessert treat. Some things shouldn’t be eaten at all, never mind turned into ice cream. I mean, yes it’s 2010, and by the definitions of most Science Fiction writers from the 20th Century we are now “in the future,” but that doesn’t mean we have to get carried away.
Or does it?
You would be surprised to see what some companies are making these days: “Garlic Ice Cream,” “Chicken Wing Ice Cream,” “Goat Ice cream” made from goat milk…with real chunks of goat in it–I am not kidding. “Squid Ink Ice Cream,” and my personal (least) favorite: “Horse Flesh Ice Cream.” They even make a “Viagra Ice Cream.” I’m assuming it doesn’t come in a soft-serve style. The list goes on. I couldn’t make up flavors that were funnier or more obscure. Okay, I could, but for the sake of argument.
I’ll tell you, three ice cream flavors is no way to live, but does anyone really want to eat ice cream made from a horse? Not this flavor deprived Brit. I’d rather eat the gray slop.
For the full scoop (sorry) on these flavors and more, complete with imagery, check out this site. Yummy!
http://foodnetworkhumor.com/2009/07/18-unusual-ice-cream-flavors-from-around-the-world/
Filed under: Uncategorized | Tagged: 31 flavors, Baskin Robbins, Foodnetworkhumor.com, Gray slop, ice cream, Matty Stone, Neapolitan Ice Cream, Squid Ink Ice Cream, The Bay Area Brit | 10 Comments »
The World Wide Wank
Back in porn’s golden age (which for the sake of argument we’ll call the 1970s and 80s) if you were pretty good looking, had a decent body, and were able to have (or realistically fake) at least five orgasms a day you could be a porn star. Providing you didn’t catch a disease, or die from the drugs, you could have had a career for as long as ten-to-fifteen years in the industry. That is of course until your body parts inevitably drooped and sagged and then you’d watch enviously off-camera as the new kid on the block took over your porno pool party.
Then along came the Internet. In the last few years, cyberspace has become saturated with porn. There are so many sites dedicated to the bizarre and obscure, it’s difficult to know what really defines porn any more. The age-old question of “Is it art or is it pornography?” has been seduced and abandoned. Porn has gone from “the absurd” to the “OMFG WTF?”
Thanks to industry standard plastic surgeries, the ever-increasing accessibility to porn via the Internet, and the growing diversity in our generations’ sexual quirkiness, anyone can become a Porn Star.
And that means you!
Yes, regardless of your age, size, or ethnicity you too could have a career in Internet Pornography. Have you ever heard anyone say this: “My grandmother was a porn star in the Seventies.” You probably haven’t, but it’s more than likely that someone, somewhere had grandparents who starred in classic movies from “Porn’s Golden Age.”
But now, thanks to websites like “www.MatureGrammies.com,” your grandson can boast to his friends, “My grandma is a porn star and she is in her seventies.”
British and want to show off your hard drive? Not a problem, go to “www.NiceAccentShameAboutTheTeeth.com.”
Vertically challenged? Well you guessed it; even littler people than you are getting into the action at “www.HornyLittlePeople.com” Watch out for the puppy, unless you’re into that, then you should cock your leg and whiz all over “www.HornyLi’lPups.com.”
Exhibitionist? Well thanks to the digital age, you can get your naked-on in your local supermarket as unsuspecting shoppers buy their groceries in the next aisle over, at “www.SupermarketAisleSex.com.”
“Security, we’ve got a lurker in the Produce Department.”
Has your porn career been temporarily sidelined by a pregnancy? Then fear not, at “www.EightMonthsIn.com” you too can keep making films until your water breaks…Uh-oh, clean up on Aisle 3.
What about the disabled? Don’t they want to get in on the act? Who doesn’t love a little hot “wheel-on-chair” action? Hobble or wheel yourself over to “www.MyBlueErogenousParkingSpot.com.” It’s a great place to meet different sex partners of every kind of disability. Amputee? No problem, even the short-of-limb are getting in on the act at “www.DoingItOnAllThrees.com.”
Are you a man trapped inside a woman’s body that thinks it’s a llama? Perhaps a llama that feels the need to stomp on young men’s testicles? Then we have the site for you, at “www.AngryTransgenderLlamas.com.” Saddle up and go there now!
If you’re into watching mice having sex with multiple partners of the mice-like variety dressed as 11th Century Roman emperors. Be sure to check out those naughty little cheese-munchers at “www.LittleRodentCaligulas.com.”
Have a desire to get your business on with inanimate objects? Oh yeah, if you know how to serve up a salacious salad or like to punch fruit with your private parts. Then check out “www.PhallicFruitPhuckers.com.”
Ladies, ever make it with your car’s gearbox? Don’t forget to use your handbrake at “www.ICannotBelieveI’mHavingSexWithMyCar.com.”
Yes if you’ve got a bizarre sexual kink there are hundreds of thousands of websites. Do you get turned on watching the rain get the pavement all wet? Like watching trees blowing up against each other in gale force winds? Do you drool when branches shed their leaves while swaying their inhibitions in the breeze? Then check out all the action on http://www.TheWeatherChannel.com.
Oh, wait.
Okay, as you were, chaps.
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Filed under: Uncategorized | Tagged: Bay Area Brit, Funny Commentary on Pornography, humor, Making fun of porn, Matty Stone, NSFW, The Bay Area Brit | 1 Comment »